TW DOMESTIC ABUSE ——
When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:
"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
“I realized one of the children was watching.”
“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
“I could kill her if I did that.”
“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”
And the most frequent response of all:
"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”
The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”
These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”
A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.
I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”
The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable….
[TW: sapphobic abuse, intimate violence, direct biphobia]
biphobia is coming out to my boyfriend (i’m a girl) at age 16, and being slammed into a wall and told i’m no longer allowed to hang out with my female friends. biphobia is then subsequently being told by gay and lesbian monosexuals that i’m lucky to be able to be in a relationship that won’t get me abused.
[Chart from White & Kowalsky article in Psychology of Women Quarterly, 1994, showing that most women who kill their spouses do so out of self-defense and receive a 15-20 year sentence, whereas most men who kill their spouse do so for reasons of sexual jealousy and receive a 2-6 year sentence. Text above chart reads “Stereotype of gender differences in aggression…sustains male power.”]
The culture me live in
You know, I believe that I have never been treated more disrespectfully as a woman than by the black men that I’ve dated.
(I guess she doesn’t consider Sean Penn brutally assaulting her in ‘87 disrespect.)
Exactly. Let’s never forget that Madonna suggested that Black men are inherently violent based on knowing like 3 Black people total in her life and has nothing to say about white men….
Steal from our culture and then vilify the people you thieved from for existing. Sit down
*flips Madonna off*
Being hospitalized from Sean Penn but Black men are worse?
People will choose white supremacy over literal survival.
The violence we teach our sons in teaching them to Be Men is the same that keeps us up at night worrying about our daughters.
I feel like we aren’t talking about the fact the Perez Hilton made Ke$ha suicidal and gave her anxiety to the point that she needs medicine to stop her from hallucinating from lack of sleep. If that isn’t harassment, then I don’t know what is. Ke$ha only preaches of love at her shows and in her songs. She didn’t deserve his harassment
whoa that is fucked up :(
I’ve always been team Fuck Perez
Other fucked up things that famous blogger and asshole Perez Hilton has done and got away with:
- Told celebrities with mental illnesses to ‘get a life’
- Stalked Lady Gaga and then played the victim in numerous interviews
- Intentionally outed closeted LGBT celebrities without their consent, and then justified it because he’s gay
- Used homophobic slurs on a number of occasions. For this reason, several LGBT charities have refused sizable donations from him
- Stated that Michael Jackson’s cardiac arrest was probably a ploy to sell tickets
- Bullied several celebrities to the point of depression, and then had the nerve to make an anti-bullying video for the Trevor Project, which several celebrities responded to by telling their stories of how he had bullied them
So yeah, if this surprises anyone, they should probably look on his website. You literally can’t go a single page without seeing something libelous, insulting or downright abusive.
Let’s not forget this article about Tom Hiddleston at Cannes.
For like a week if you googled “Tom Hiddleston” this godawaful thing came up and I cannot imagine how embarrassing this would be for someone to see holy shit you’re supposed to be a mildly reputable celebrity site millions of people read this what the fuck is wrong with you
To elaborate a bit on the Gaga thing, he actually exploited her for some show he was doing which she took time out of her world tour to film, and then he harassed her during the interview by asking personal questions that she didn’t feel comfortable answering. He wouldn’t stop, to the point where Gaga’s makeup artist had to physically unplug the cameras. She cut him off, and he has since sent her disgusting messages on Twitter and personally basically making fun of her and her “decline” as a star.
He is not a good person. At all.
Can’t people sue this guy for harassment?
Women aged 15-44 are more likely to be maimed or die from male violence than cancer, traffic accidents, and war combined.
Feminist talk at Students For Liberty’s 2013 Austin Regional Conference and why feminism is not outdated (via cuntcastle)
& some women - women of color, trans women, disabled women, poor women - are MUCH more likely to experience violence than white/cis/abled/class privileged women (and marginalized women have less recourse in the legal system to have anything done about the violence done to them.)
All women exist in a culture with a specter of violence surrounding them at every turn, but let’s not let aggregate level statistics allow us to believe that we face equal risks.
and my male friends ask me why I sometimes feel afraid of men …. because I have to worry about what men will do to me more than I have to worry about my own health. that is some terrifying bullshit. do you understand that??
Have you ever been emotionally, sexually, verbally or financially abused by your partner? Or have you noticed that they try and control you, for instance by not allowing you to see your friends or family?
If these experiences are familiar to you and you are bisexual, you may be in a position to help inform professionals on how to begin helping people like yourself at times of great need and possible isolation.
My name is Sarah, and I’m a trainee counselling psychologist. I’ve been researching intimate partner abuse in LGBT populations for a couple of years now but I am yet to hear anything about this experience from the bisexual perspective. This is ground breaking research as nothing like this has been conducted yet.
It’s high time that this silence was broken. If you’d be interested in taking part in this study and are able to share your experiences, please do contact me for further information.
Trainee Counselling Psychologist
Department of Psychology
University of Surrey
Tel: 07912 683 716
It is hoped that the research will be published and presented at conferences within the year so information about the findings will be made available to organisations that have a professional interest.
Potentially important study!
For some background, a recent survey in the US found, among other trends, significantly higher rates of any perpetrators targeting bisexual women with rape and sexual violence and higher rates of intimate partners targeting bisexual women with rape, physical violence and/or stalking than against both lesbian and heterosexual women.
This builds on the findings of the so-called “Bisexual Invisibility Report” that “bisexual women in relationships with monosexual partners have an increased rate of domestic violence compared to women in other demographic categories”.
It’s time radical (and other) feminists started taking abuse and sexual violence against bisexual women seriously. It’s for bi feminists, not me, to analyse exactly why these things are happening, and what are the effective ways we can respond.
But it is happening. Within living memory, lesbian women were thrown under the bus within feminism, not thought to have to deal with issues like intimate partner abuse and violence. Fortunately that’s changed. Let’s not repeat that old mistake with bi women.
bisexual women in relationships with monosexual partners have an increased rate of domestic violence compared to women in other demographic categories
what the fuck??? I don’t disagree by any means but like, what the fuck? Is it because our male partners are queerphobic or??
[snip for context]
Re: the bolded above: The research finding is that bisexual women are at especially high risk for domestic abuse when we have "monosexual partners," not “male partners.”
It may indeed be the case that monosexual male abusers of bi women are “queerphobic” (which seems to be essentially synonymous with “homophobic” in this context?) but this doesn’t give us a good explanation for the high instance of monosexual female abusers of bi women.
In fact, the attitudes of the individual abusive partners re: bi women’s sexuality, while a piece of the problem (since bi women with non-monosexual partners don’t experience the same rates of abuse), may not be as relevant as pervasive cultural biphobia. Abusers target marginalized people because marginalized people are easier to abuse, for numerous reasons.
Bi women (and I assume other non-monosexual women, although the research does not distinguish) are subject to specific stereotypes and biased attitudes that are convenient tools for an abuser: “Everyone knows bisexuals are liars”; “I’m the only one who could ever love you; you know that no one wants a bisexual partner”; “I know you’re cheating on me, because that’s just how bisexuals ARE.”
Biphobia operates distinct from homophobia; otherwise, we wouldn’t expect a significant difference between rates of domestic abuse experienced by bisexual women with lesbian partners and lesbian women with lesbian partners. But we have one.